Tests & understanding

Today, while watching Joel Osteen’s energetic positive talk about how we need to not judge, but to understand.  I knew I was directed to listen to it.

I hadn’t watched his show in months because quite frankly, I’d forgotten what channel it was on.  Out of sight – out of mind.

But today….I woke thinking of my sister Debbie and all the turmoil she went through with her controlling husband.  Sadly, she died December 19, 1997 at the age of 43.  I knew in my heart he killed her spirit, which disabled her from speaking up throughout their 24-year marriage.  This holding-on-to-thoughts spawned ulcers, which spawned stomach cancer.

To me, her closest sister, I knew he killed her via this silent submissiveness, thus the anger.

I’ve vowed to write a book entitled My Sister’s Salvation, noting how free she is from him and a religious cult we grew up in.  Consequently, I began jotting down notes just after she died.  However, I was so angry at her husband for silently killing her spirit that years have gone by knowing I couldn’t write it in anger.  Hence, no book.

Today, Osteen’s talk encouraged me to see the reason why I hadn’t finished this task.  I needed to release the anger towards him and the thoughts that he silently killed my precious sister.

Today, I also had an aha moment.  I realized I’ve been placed in a similar situation via a son.   I wrote in m my journal: My son is a test.   Merely a test!  Will I write with anger or peace?  Perhaps I had to connect the dots to be able to feel a similar angst like my sister may have felt and the giving up feeling she must have held.  I won’t give up, I need all my children.  My sister gave up and gave in to release this life and left her three children.

Osteen’s message was to see that others are not in charge of who we are, but we are in charge of us.  Others may judge us, but in the end its what we think that makes or breaks us.  He spoke of the prodigal son returning to his father’s home not knowing how he’d be received.  Lot’s of anger, judging and gossip had ensued before his return.  His father, however, knew he was still his son no matter what had happened and greeted this son with open arms.  Rejoicing in his return.

Often, each one of us stray but without the kindness of a parent, sibling or friend we might not have pulled through that test.

Thus the lesson I’ve learned today, is to finally write my sister’s book with a positive lilt, without anger or malice.  Setting aside judgement of her husband and my son for their ways, but to realize each test aides us with understanding to help others along our life’s journey, helping us in the wake.

Victoria

 

 

 

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